Bloody Anger

This past week I was puttering in my front yard. Part of these duties include: assessing the damage of remaining squirrels, cleaning out my watering hole for drought thirsty animals and checking the health of my plants. Then, I looked down at my arm. There was blood.

My first thought was what in the world happened? And then, where did it come from? Lastly and probably the most important question, I asked was how do I stop the flow? These are all healthy responses to a body’s wound. To deny, dismiss or even become angry with the blood’s presence is careless, silly and possibly dangerous.


The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about anger. As we discussed anger,an idea struck me. Anger is to our heart, what blood is to our body. Anger is a signal that something is wrong. I’ve often thought that when we find anger rising in our being, we often try to control it, ignore it or deny its existence. Just as the presence of blood is evidence of wounding and a need for attention the presence of anger serves the same purpose. To ignore the presence of rage is not only unhealthy. It is destructive.

Our heart has a warning system and frequently we ignore the red flags. Suppressing our anger and never finding the origin makes us susceptible to continue to bleed emotionally. Scripture tells us to be angry and not sin. Often our anger is justified due to a stab of the heart—an injury to the inner core—a wound.

For example, God bleeds with anger due to our disobedience. God is hurt by our poor choices. We don’t follow the best. Jesus was angry with people who continued to not have faith in the promise of life and love and instead chose the slavery of law. How have we concluded that dismissing or ignoring our anger is the best course of action? I wonder if it is due to mistreatment from people and/or ourselves who have responded in anger. The “not sin” part of scripture requires us not to respond in the heat of our pain, but to find the source.

I know that when I am mad, there is something amiss. It can be due to my own improper motives or desires, or the reality of another’s abuse, but the anger tells me something is out of alignment. If I don’t go to the core of the anger, stop and investigate I will still be angry. Just like my bleeding arm in the story above.

The healthy response to the blood on my arm was to quit my puttering, find the cause of my injury, and then properly take care for the wound. I wonder how many of us are truly hemorrhaging in anger, never pausing to address the pains of our heart, never allowing or giving ourselves permission to acknowledge our hurt, our pain. Anger signifies we’ve been injured, inside. We live in a violent world. Betrayals, lack of integrity, disrespect, lack of consideration are just a few of the behaviors that hurt our souls. We contribute with our own destructive thoughts and selfishness. As people who bear the image of God, none of these manifestations are for our good and therefore, cause pain. Our hearts are often attacked; we truly are the walking wounded. BUT, we have a God who promises to bind our wounds and heal our brokenness. We need to go deeper, investigate what is behind our anger, our bleeding, and invite God to heal our bloody anger.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Ps. 34:18

Running in Water

Two weeks ago I stepped off a curve and sprained my ankle. It was one of those not so graceful
moments that you just wish you could rewind and be more careful. I placed my foot forward as I do every day it turned and twisted abnormally. Immediately I yelped in pain. My husband quickly and tenderly helped me to a chair where I could catch my breath and assess the damage. My ankle swelled and was unable to support my weight. Instantly, I had visions of not participating in the tri-athalon I had trained for so diligently. Fourteen days later, I still have swelling and bruising.

My coach’s instructions prohibited running while swelling was evident. I feel a bit frustrated in this mandated rest, but also have learned to accept it as God running interference to train in better ways.

So I was told to run in the water. Hmmm, never having done this before, but not wanting to lose
my level of fitness, I subjected myself to try this new way. So the other day, I went to our aquatic
center and asked one of the very young lifeguards for a belt. This belt is designed to keep you
buoyant; buckling the floating apparatus around my waist, I entered the water and attempted to run.

I felt a little sheepish as I was running in water upright; it’s not a normal posture in the pool. But as I let go of my self-consciousness and focused on the therapy, I started contemplating. Rotating my hips and legs under the surface, I started realizing something. In this state of suspension, I couldn’t hurt myself! I couldn’t twist an ankle, fall down or injure a joint. I was totally supported and safe. Then the ah-ha moment came to me.

My spirit is encased in Living Water. It is supported and protected by the power of the Spirit of
the Eternal God who sent the Source of all Life to save me. My soul cannot be snatched away. I
started laughing in my conversation with God, the One who loves me most, who desires for me
to understand I am safe. I am surrounded and buoyant in the promised protection of grace.

This protection is a new thought for me. God is my shield and protector. I have often left
myself to this assignment, which frankly has not gone very well. So sprained ankle = greater
understanding of the Living Water’s presence in my life completely, fully and all encompassing.
This is a lesson well worth understanding. For this I am glad.

Winning

Winning. I am not aware of anyone who doesn’t enjoy experiencing the joy of being the best. Whether cheering our favorite football team to victory, waiting for America’s next idol, or identifying the newest and greatest chef we all identify with the struggle to reach the top. There’s something about achieving a goal or watching someone else succeed that inspires us and causes us to continue to dream about finding fulfillment in our own pursuits.
Sustaining every winner and behind the scenes of every achievement, there are others. These are the people who spur us on. They encourage with words, actions, and support. They believe in our aptitude or gifting and help us along the way. They are our mentors, coaches, friends, and dare I say, cheerleaders.

Today, I achieved something I have never done before and never would have done without someone spurring me on. She pushed me. She encouraged me. She was patient, loving and helpful. She knows my goal and she wants to help me succeed. Today, she told me I might think rather unkind thoughts of her as she had me pursue the absolute, without question steepest hill for the biking segment of my upcoming triathlon. She knew what she was doing and I trusted her.

Midway in my attempt up this ascent, I felt sick. Actually, I thought I was going to vomit. I had to stop. I was humbled. My friend halted her climb and waited for me to catch up. Patiently talking me through it, I in my delirious state, tried to listen. After the waves of nausea receded, I continued. She was now way ahead, showing me the way, giving me focus, and finally, there to greet me at the top.

After completing the cycle training today I am tired, but I also feel good. I am stronger. I’ve learned some things for next time and I have a friend who helped me get there. I’ve given my friend permission to coach me and I accept and trust her guidance.

Sometimes in our own spiritual journeys, I wonder why we aren’t so willing to have that coach or mentor? Maybe they will get in our face and cause us to feel uncomfortable. But if we aren’t pressed, encouraged, or spurred on we stagnate. We all need to be pursued to reach a prize that is far greater than any achievement on this earth. Scripture encourages us to run to win. When we resent the input of others, is it because we don’t want to grow? An admission of need in strength training is humbling (but it is in fact an admission which allows the opportunity for excellence).

I have deep respect for my friend. She has overcome obstacles of weight and health that cause me to willingly surrender to her tutelage. She has proven herself. As I submit to her experience I in turn am learning to overcome my own challenges. So today I am wondering; how many of us have a spiritual coach? What is the total of those who have given someone permission to push them to greater heights, strength and maturity? I’m thinking not that many.

Winning will look different for each of us. We are individuals with vastly varied races. Achievement is your best, your pursuit, your prize; no one else can attain what is yours and no one else can compete. But all of us are called to win in Christ!

As I am pushed physically, I am also learning and striving spiritually. I’ve placed myself under some godly hands to guide and direct my journey. Just like my friend who exhibits all the signs of a great coach (I highly recommend her for cycling), I have given others entrance to my life spiritually to do the same.

• 1 Corinthians 9:24
Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.
• Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
• Colossians 2:18a
Let no one keep defrauding you of your prize. . .
• 2 Timothy 2:5
Also if anyone competes as an athlete, she does not win the prize unless she competes according to the rules. (the rules are to follow Christ)

Seatbelts, Living and Hypocrisy

When our girls were small they would often be found in the backseat of our car exclaiming "hypocrite", with great zeal and delight. It was almost a game to catch their father who was careful to make sure they were safely buckled in, but often slow in ensuring this wise action for himself. The girls had learned that is was a good decision to buckle your seat belts in the car. It was safer, it was a lesson that was caught. On the other hand their father who spoke of the safety of seat belt buckling, would often get too busy or distracted to practice what he preached. Thus the girls were quick to cry out when they caught their daddy practicing hypocrisy.

I was thinking of this game of long ago and yet the challenge for all of us to be real. We often feel good about ourselves because we are talking the good talk, but not living it as well. This hypocrisy is something that runs deep in all of us. Personally, I have noticed it in other people who would say the right things, but than their actions spoke of something else entirely. It confused me and often hurt me as well. I realized I needed to pay more attention to the walk than the talk.

This walking has been something I have been focusing on in my own life. I want to be a person of integrity, not a hypocrite, I must reflect what I speak. Paying attention more to my actions, is part of this battle. I must do this honestly and therein I find not such a pretty picture. For where I have been quick to notice another lacks honesty in their life, I've been blind to my own. God have mercy on us all!

Our daughters as young as they were, identified their dad not living what he professed. It was obvious. In their youthful eyes they spoke what was true rather than what their daddy proclaimed and they rightly called out "hypocrite"! I am examining my own hypocrisy in expecting others to live what is right, when I haven't done such a good job of being honest about who I am.

I am honestly, struggling. I am honestly, challenged by the claims of Christ. I am honestly working through who I am, uniquely made reflecting God. I am honestly working against the pressure to morph myself to those around me. In other words, not being conformed to the world. To not be a hypocrite, I must be who I am. Honestly. Owning all of me and taking responsibility for all my quirks, uniqueness, joys and flaws, interests and delights this is what it means to be real. This real living is why Christ came, to enable us to live freely in the gospel of no longer slaves, no longer condemned, no longer under bondage, but free to be the unique, one of a kind person we are that God loves. God rejoices and revels as we freely express ourselves in the goodness and grace of what is true and this in turn reflects the truth of God.

God loves us, each one of us, different, complex, multi-colored, multi-ethnic, and multi-faceted. God is glorified when we are faithful to who we are and stop trying to conform ourselves to those around us. If we mimic someone else, we glorify them and not God. If we speak words that are good, but our actions cry out something quite different; we again glorify a life filled with lies instead of what is true.

Today, if you had two young children in your back seat, would they be crying out hypocrite or would they be comforted by their observations of a life lived demonstrated in accordance to what has been spoken? Think about it with me.

Sacred vs Secular Music

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of music. I really, really, like it. Music has been a companion of mine since infancy. It has brought comfort, solace, validation, and expression of what I feel, but am unable to articulate. Recently I had a conversation with my mom, who shared her trouble as a new mom in knowing what to do with me. Desperate for relief from my cries, she took me to church. Every day for a week in the evening and in the solace of stained glass windows and music I was quiet. The other attendants would comment on how at peace I was in the setting of music and beauty and it was there my mom dedicated me to God.

Which brings me back to music. As with many of you, my life has been filled with many challenges and music was a way that I identified and dealt with the pain and joy. "Don't Pull your Love out on me Baby", by Hamilton, Joe Frank and Reynolds was what I placed as my father's cry for my mom not to leave my dad in divorce. Her reply came in Carole King's, "It's too Late". Marvin Gaye's, "What's Going On?" spoke to the turmoil and sadness I felt with racism.

About two months ago I heard a song by Adele, entitled "Rolling in the Deep". I was struck while listening that it sounded like God speaking to the beautiful Lucifer of betrayal, when the betrayer "could of had it all". I feel it speaks to the incredible pain God must have experienced when a l/3 of angels led by one who decided to focus on living lies.

All of the songs I have thus alluded to are what we might call "secular", but I have found comfort and truth in the lyrics and melody. Sometimes I think we get so hung up on what we think is proper or we might judge as acceptable instead of going deeper and seeing value. I don't think the lines of music with God are as clear cut as we like to make them. We separate, judge, condemn and yes punish in regard to our tastes.

In all of this I do believe there are guidelines of what is lovely, good and pure. Music that demands rape, abuse or language that would make most blush or make sex a recreational activity I am not comfortable with. Sometimes, while listening to a station that would be sanctioned by many I am honestly sickened by the sugary coating of a theology that is much deeper than the words indicate. So bottom line is pay attention to the words, the message and don't worry so much about the messenger. God can use rocks to cry out the glory of praise, who are we to put limitations on who those rocks are? Do I dare say, God used an ass to speak what was true to a prophet who wasn't paying attention as well. There is much that is good in music that God has given and its forms are as varied and unique as the Triune, Eternal God I profess.

So today, I have Michael Buble's, "Sun in the Sky, you know how I feel, Birds flying high you know how I feel. . . . It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, and I'm feeling good! These words are ringing in my head and it is declaring the joy of the beauty of this world that God has given and the hope of one day it truly will be a new dawn and a new day and I LOVE IT!

Women/Strength really?

I had a conversation today with a dear friend. Among many of the things discussed we landed a bit on strength and women. In Christian circles this often seems to be in conflict with our views of godliness. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In the increasingly hostile environment many women find themselves the need for assertive truth and living bravely are sorely needed.

The church has done a horrendous job in teaching what it means to be a woman or a man. It has set up many stereotypes that have more to do with culture and tradition than biblical truths. I am often confounded when scripture tells us, "to be strong in the Lord" and our response is only to allow men this godly trait.

Recently, I have taken on another one of my bucket list goals. I am training for a sprint tri-athalon. The consequence of this training is the very fact that I am getting stronger. The time spent in running, swimming and biking is manifesting itself in my body. I have worked hard. I wonder if women would apply themselves in the study of scripture they will find strength and courage to speak against what is unjust, to live for what is good and harness in their spirits the strength of a mighty God who loves them beyond comprehension! The training of serious study would let them know beyond a doubt of their value, their necessity and their equally shared image reflection of God.

I am so struck with the awesome arsenal that is in every church congregation, but underutilized, under appreciated and certainly unrecognized due to an incredibly false view of what it means to be a woman or a man. When I walk into a room it is obvious I am of the female gender. The rest that comes with it is often more about assumptions and teaching than true godliness.

What if every woman lived in the strength and courage of their God? If women would stop being passive enablers of bad behavior from their brothers and sisters, but true Ezer's who spoke what was true in great humility and love? What if women would no longer stand for physical, spiritual and emotional abuse from their men and yes, the church! What if women and men united together in the beauty of their uniqueness and giftedness supported one another to truly embody the gospel message of a royal priesthood?

This past week I have been made aware of two marriages falling apart. In both the women are not respected. There is a strong conviction of roles in both marriages that obviously is not working. Not too long ago I heard a comment from a young father who was very concerned that his boy knew what it meant to be a man. I groaned inwardly. For what if the father was more concerned with his boy learning what it meant to follow Jesus? We are so hung up on gender and roles our focus is wrong and bent. Jesus says, follow me. We don't need to worry about what package He created us in, our faithful following will take care of any confusion.

I'm not into human bashing. I am tired of observing continual pain perpetrated by false beliefs of what is a woman or man. I am sickened by the church's contribution to people's real emotional confusion due to our desire to limit feminine and masculine characteristics which inhabit every human being into one type of body. Women can be strong. Women can be assertive. Men can be sensitive. Men don't have to be leaders! We put so much pressure on ourselves and each other when deep down inside none of us measure up to this "sacred" definition of male and femaleness. Can we stop this? Can we talk? Can we be strong in what is true and right? Can we speak and be respected? Can we listen? Can we learn?

Toe Dancing

On pointe, dancing on your toes in ballet is a beautiful art form. As the mother of a ballerina, I have had many opportunities to witness the disciplined hard work involved to achieve what appears to be effortless. There are times that what is accomplished in this arena of dance is breathtaking and inspiring. This level of beauty demands countless hours spent in the studio with others who are all focused on the same goal of perfection. If one person in the company does not take responsibility for their dance the whole dance will suffer. It will be seen when performed. It can be dangerous as well.

In the studio of the church,I idealistically crave for the beauty observed in physical dance, but often experience a toe dancing of another kind. Toes are bloodied and bruised by others who have stepped on, tripped or even blocked my movement. Now, before we go into defensive mode hear me out. For this abuse of each other in our spiritual dancing causes great harm. Our lack of discipline, focus and hours of practice cause tremendous pain. What grieves me even more is the realization that though mindful of others firmly planted foot on mine, I have been oblivious to my own toe stomping! My intentions were not often to do this, my motives were not necessarily malicious, but I did it anyway. I have been saddened by my contribution to this type of ugly, traumatic dancing.

A consquence of dancing together as God intended is to forgive the pain that has been inflicted on each other due to bad dancing. God revealed this to me the other day. I was struck that I have become gun shy, fearful and yes; defensive due to very bloody feet! I realized that part of the reason they are so bloody is due to each of us trying to dance, but also at times to my contributing false steps. One of the truths God spoke in regards to this waltz was, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do!"

Jesus on the cross, cries out forgiveness for all the crushing, stomping, and mashing of our feet on Him and each other. "For we know not what we do!" Mercy is required due to our ignorance, lack of faith, disobedience and good intentions gone awry. Justice has been served in full by my Lord's own body. He allowed the fullest extent of abuse on His own self to pay for our horrible dancing.

So as I work on my steps, I am reminded of my own inability to do this well without the grace of a kind Master and I am challenged to extend this mercy to others despite the pain incurred. I must focus on God's beautiful dancing that blesses me so I in turn may bless others in humility. As I continue to adjust my feet, which are often awkard and clumsy, I am needing others to be patient and gracious. God has let me observe my own dancing and I am truly a toddler in my movement.

In our earth's studio, my hope is that I will become more focused on my work, my steps and when there is an accident, extend willing forgiveness to a fellow dancer. My prayer is that each of us would desire and work hard to be a reflection of beauty demonstrated by the Lord of the Dance. But let's extend grace as we are taught together.